`True BestFriend.

darn

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

10:19 PM

you know. me and loneliness are on first name recognisation basis.

well. i know how the pangseh feeling feels like. i've gotten soooo aquainted with it. i open my arms and welcome it. may we flashback to some many weeks/months ago.

*flash*
we were accompany-ing chmel down to the staff room to hand in.. physics.before we go play bb (i think) i was reading and standing by the side. when i looked up from my book, they were gone. where? i have no idea. so i walked and looked and made myself look idiotic. then i walked down the stairs preparing to go home and i found them. they were walking down the HOD hallway. wow. do you think i would be pissed?. that was not the first time.
*flash*

argh i'm feeling so frustrated now i just wanna cry.. but somehow. i never do. tears come to my eyes and they flow. but somehow i never bawl... i need to bawl! i need to sob! i need to.. kill myself. torture myself to forget the pain that's hiding somewhere else.

well. if anything. school is not making me feel any better. seems after camp, i don't bond. esp with the ppl from group 3. and if anyone else has notices. i have sort of fallen out with su shan.

somehow or rather i have this feeling she's starting to hate me. well then again. all ppl usually end up hating me. in times to come. everyone'll leave me. if not because i'm too rude/attitude/annoying. then cause i'm too depressed and don't even want to help myself (applies to you kyaw).

i wish i was jamie. i really do. even if i had to die early. maybe i just wanna be like her cause she's still holding on to her faith. i lost my faith somewhere on the way to earth. or maybe i left it in my mother's womb.

somehow. i wanna adapt a concept from my sister's keeper. and that's the part where anna leaves the table.

i dun rmb the exact words but...
'this is when i saw that anna had left the table. and most importantly, no one had noticed.'

yst i left in a huff cause su shan didn't reply me and was giving me att. so i got pissed. as my usual sucky self does. and i left. and i don't knw if anyone noticed or not but i'm guessing no. cause it was as if i was never there in the first place.

i know everyone has their own probs and they can't all pay attn to me.
and i know it's alot to ask to feel important. but i don't want to be a nobody.
i know. the world doesn't revolve around me.

obviously i have given everyone a fixed impression.
today during the oral thing. we were sitting in the class room when yt asked me.
'ni pa oral ma?'
i sort of shook my head
and she said 'aiyah. ta na li hui pa. ta shen me dou bu pa.'

but you know what?.. i'm a coward.
i'm afraid of losing my friends. i'm afraid of being alone. i'm afraid of being unwanted. i'm afraid of being a burden which i very well know i am one right now.

i'm not the only one with an unstable mindset or so ppl have said. mostly all insist that they too have similar problems and that i should stop thinking so much about MY problems and stop being selfish and attn catching. but i can't help it.

i may not seem to be trying to change. but i'm STRUGGLING...

i just closed my eyes. i feel. hurt and emptyiness. is that what being a failure feels like?

well. mon went by fast. i forgot what happened. [oh yeah - we went to go get sheryl's b-day pres] tues was yst. which was the getting ignored part. and well. i still hate myself.

thank you to the sweetest kor in the whole world. yain kyaw. for being so nice and giving me a pep talk. i'll try to change but i can assure you.. you'll see more of this kinds of similar posts... =] though i really wanna change.

LACK OF SELF CONFIDENCE!!!!!!!!
apgapmvpomevopinwaevnoiwanefnvwo ewbp

frustration.